Monday, January 25, 2016

Hide and seek

i leave people in my difficult situation and was left alone too but i don't hold any grudge on people as everyone entitled for their own reason. I love everyone around me that don't leave or judge my action for it is always 2 side of a playback.

People shouldn't leave someone in bad condition, never hurt someone who is in lower life forms and word must be kept. i admit that i am now as what i am right now. The only one that know what I feel is only me and no one else know how bad my condition is right now. I am tormented beyond repair. Sadness and the never ending battle with syaitan wasn't really at the end failure point. I wish it will end soon but i don't know when i able to be back to the old me. I don't think that it will happen since the scar is so deep that only death split me apart. I don't have big dream but i do have one. Sometimes things fall apart to make room for better improvement but i am not able to see any significant change at all. People would have easy path to achieve happiness but only few that able to get the happiness promise by Allah. I know that i am never going to get the happiness that i dream for a long time since i forever but yeah who know maybe with me gone in everyone life,  it would be a great deal for every people around me.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

New job.. new surrounding.. new life..

I need to bring up something new when i sit down and reminisce.. memories forever more i swear.. part of things that i need is no longer a priority. Choice is what i need to make and i decide to just quit my job and move out from this God forsaken place. I'm done.. i admit defeat.
Neither both of us was listening. For once the great khali admit defeat. By default i should go back. It get me up when i was always get accused. What happened to work it out. What happen when neither of us backing down. Life can be sad and yes it is pathetic to look at myself now. Just how good things going to be i might not know. Everyday before i go to sleep and when i wake up, always in my mind that i shouldn't stop praying for this to end as soon as possible. whatever way it is for me to get this over with i will take it. I know that it is stupid but when you decided that your life going to end after the punctuation mark, you should make sure it happen. The first punctuation occurred earlier December but i appreciate the visit but now i am waiting for the third and the last punctuation so that i will legitimately leave without anyone able to question my existence after it.
Prequel to part of the list.

Thursday, January 21, 2016

Hard Easy..

Well,  this isn't easy to say but all. relationship and are difficult but even more so whe you're in one with a person who struggles with everything and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of too sad. 
When i look in your eyes and you're looking back in mine,  everything feel not quite normal because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time,  i feel terrified and excited.The truth is I don't know what i feel,  except i know what kind of man I want to be. its as if you've reached the unreachable and you weren't ready for it.
People want their spouse to be something that they want to be without considering the fact that people is still people.
i am not sure if I can do anything but I don't have to worry about it because I have a great day to live as my life decrease.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Minus 6

6 to 10 years.  That is how long i have to live in this life. It ought to be so good and awesome knowing that with the limitation on my breathing actually kill me in the end. Although i am well prepared, i don't think i am ready yet to receive the so call good news. What is the solution to the limitation that I have to reject now. The attributes might leave me no choice but to just accept the truth and just focusing on what need to be done in my remaining time of the year. I sleep alone, i eat alone and i cry alone. The contraction obligation makes me wonder until when i have to do this. The recent incident in my personal life lead me to the small problem that i am currently facing right now. I wasn't sure why it happens but what actually happened make me almost lose my life. Once early on December and recently early this week. That is amazing considering that i should very weak on it.

I am actually done with my life but the only thing that kept my motor running that need be to be  extra strong is the battle to bring the happiness back to my family. I want my father to get back his lost and gain his happiness. What is sad that i used to have a companion that complete me on my journey to fight the battle and now i have to do it all alone. Might as well do it all out. What i know now,  people will bow at me on my last day soon.

Thank you Love Story.

Thursday, January 14, 2016

Sickness...

If you're healthy, if you don't get sick much, if you don't go to the doctor much or use your health insurance much, you are a genetic lottery winner. It has nothing to do with the way you live, nothing to do with doing the right things. It's just sheer luck, and you are gonna pay for that. I am sick.

One must not forget that recovery is brought about not by the physician, but by the sick man himself. He heals himself, by his own power, exactly as he walks by means of his own power, or eats, or thinks, breathes or sleeps. I am sick.

I've had this terrible lung problem for years, and that has made touring difficult. People would see me sitting in the corner by myself looking sick and gloomy. The reason is that I was trying to fight against the lung pain, trying to hold my anger down. People looked me and assumed I was some kind of addict. i try my best not to get angry and that is why my approach is to forgive people as soon as possible. Why..?? if hold revenge on people, it is not going to be good. People don't realize about this and for certain they want to always be in a war for fossil fuel. Where will it bring you then if you hold and always in a very high anger and unconditional hatred. I am sick.

When from our better selves we have too long been parted by the hurrying world, and droop. Sick of its business, of its pleasures tired, how gracious, how benign is solitude. I will do everything to people and hope that people would understand and not judging me. That is bad enough for me. Please don't judge every action that people do just because on the surface it seems that things happened for a reason. It is not me. Certain might have a reason but most of the time it ain't going to be that way. I am sick.

The foundation of success in life is good health: that is the substratum fortune. It is also the basis of happiness. A person cannot accumulate a fortune very well when he is so called sick. If you start to think of your physical and moral condition, you usually find that you are sick. That is the reason i am very strong and dependable when i am with people. My only antidote is with people that doesn't have the capability to go further i will always going to be there for people that need my help or want my help because i am never going to make other people do the same mistake as me. Especially my family and everyone that want to be close with me. There isn't much people who want to be with me. I am sick.
 
I think I could go away tomorrow. I've already accomplished something but am i ready to met my creator. Definitively no because i have a very huge responsibility to bring the family together. Before i close my eyes, i wish that the laughter and happiness can be brought back to my family even if the trade is my life.While I thought that I was learning how to live, I have been learning how to die.The fear of death follows from the fear of life. A man who lives fully is prepared to die at any time but i am not done yet until i see the bright eyes of my father saying one word. "Adik, Thank you for doing this."My mama always used to tell me: 'Adik, If you can't find something to live for, you best find something to die for.' With my mama words, i will fight to bring the happiness for my dad. How could i even do that without support and i used to have one before she decided to saunter. I am sick.

Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning. People say that they have difficult life and people say that i am condescending but do you know what is my story. A minutes, an hour, a day, a month, a year to know what a person made of and i know that is the price i can live with. Support that i could have now fade away with the drop of pain.I find hope in the darkest of days, and focus in the brightest. I do not judge the universe but the disappointment knowing that at the end of the day even with the story told i have to walk alone and kiss the rain. That is the hardest part. I am getting more sick.
 
You may not always have a comfortable life and you will not always be able to solve all of the world's problems at once but don't ever underestimate the importance you can have because history has shown us that courage can be contagious and hope can take on a life of its own.The theological virtue of hope is the patient and trustful willingness to live without closure, without resolution, and still be content and even happy because our satisfaction is now at another level, and our source is beyond ourselves.I am sick.

Talking about closure, what happen if you know with you is someone that can be on your fight to win the battle but before the battle begin she's gone. I don't need money. it's trust and character I need around me. You know, who you choose to be around you lets you know who you are. One battle in exchange for knowing what a person made of? That's a price I can live with. What'd you expect? i didn't just play with fire, i soaked the matches in gasoline because i need to know if you can be beside me. 
 
Life's simple. You make choices and you don't look back.



Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Thank you


Dear Future Mr. Raden Yusnaidi Adiputra,

I’m writing to you today about something that is very important and emotional for me. It’s very difficult, and you know what I’m like when it comes to talking about important things. I’m trying to get better at it. It’s a long process. I hope you’ll really think about it and won’t say no outright. I hope you don’t say no at all, but I know it’s a possibility.

Anyway.

There’s two reasons behind my request. Firstly, I don’t know how much of my current postings you’ve seen, but you might have seen various postings about my current life here at January 2016 and how much I don’t like that mine’s been changed throughout the month of my full despair. This is a letter to you in future if you might read it so that it will be a reminder on who you are when you are done with your life as it is.

It makes me feel really sad to think that I could die without having the one that i want the most which is family. I want my descendants, to continue the family tree. You ought to remember that you almost made it to the finish line but now you are unable to do so because of Family, Perception and Depiction. You cannot throw away what you have been holding on for the last half decade to to let your heart win.

I love the Family and i wish we could be one big family despite what dark moment that hit my family. I think you certainly know that. And this has nothing to do with them because i would definitely do anything to be one of them since i only care for that family but also love them as my family. Throughout my hardship they have been my surrogate family. No matter what happened, they raised me here to work hard to win over the heart and mind, and that’s not insignificant. But, no matter what, they aren’t my actual mother and father. I’ve actually never thought of them as that. Respected Future In-law , yes; mother and father, no. Those roles have always belonged to My Abah and Mama.

Secondly, but definitely not less important, being you was the best thing to ever happen to me. I don’t think I ever properly thanked you for everything you did for me. Not just the things you know you did, like getting a good job to resurrect your job, but for the other things as well. I still remember you out by the lake at Putrajaya exactly on 31st December 2013, the day you lost your job. Being you and knowing you did more to heal some of my anxieties than anything else. I see myself in you, and it’s truly powerful. And very hard to explain everything it means.

I can’t even imagine going on as I was at 23 for years and years. I credit you for the vast increases in my self-confidence and decreases in my anxiety. Thank you very much. For everything.

Please think about it.Life can be hard but it is harder to walk alone. Always remember that family is the most important streetlight in your life. Yes, you almost made it to finish line but there is always silver lining on the cloudy day.


Thank you so much Pakcik Shahri and Makcik Rubaini. My world is brighter and more beautiful because of both of you. The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. If I got you a thank you card to match the size of your generosity, it wouldn’t fit in your mailbox. Thank you for the good times, the days you filled with pleasure. Thank you for fond memories, and for feelings I’ll always treasure. The manner of giving is worth more than the gift. In ordinary life we hardly realize that we receive a great deal more than we give, and that it is only with gratitude that life becomes rich. My sincere apologies for what happen.

Please remember Raden that good people do exist. People always talk about how hard it can be to remember things, but no one ever talks about how much effort we put into forgetting. I am exhausted from the effort to forget. There are things that have to be forgotten if you want to go on living. But please remember as much as you can. As deeply and widely and nourishingly and ­irritatingly as you can. And the good things will make you remember them, so you won't need to take notes.




Thank you.

Regards,

Raden Yusnaidi Adiputra, Alias
January 5th, 2016.




Saturday, January 2, 2016

Empty Frames

Nowadays people know the price of everything and the value of nothing.

Disconnected

Life feel like detached for me and i am the worst place ever right now. Maybe life at KL isn't what that suit me. Maybe it is time for me to leave this place. Maybe i should return from where i came.

Overtime the picture will fade and all that's left are these empty frames. Sleepless night, stormy day, very bad weather and you know what I've got prove that people change.

Empty frames....
I would hear the raindrops,  slowly falling to the ground and they're keep calling for someone to rescue me cause I'm drowning in pain. I've been hurt by mistake and so please come take me away please. When you hear the teardrops hitting my pillow because  i kept falling for the thorny roses and now I'm bleeding, lonely again.

Long after the smiles and all fade away. All the endless pain and all the empty space and I've got prove that overtime pictures will fade and all that's left are these empty frames.

Sleepless night..